Update

I took my cue from my friend Jess and figured it was time for an update. What have I been up to lately you ask?

In one word: Twilight

Actually, that was only one week. Yes, all four books and the movie in one week. I know, I have an illness.

The other 4 or weeks or so? I don’t really have an excuse for not blogging, but here is what I have been up to:

-Finishing the nursery for the baby’s room. It looks great!

- We celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary. We went to the Planetarium and science museum. We had so much fun! The Planetarium was so neat! I was awestruck for days at how small Earth is in comparison to the entire universe. I came home and put this on my computer desktop:

It was reassuring to look at over the past few weeks while things at work were (still sort of are) insane. We had our Federal Review last week (my department passed with flying colors!) and we open a new building next week. Like I said, it was insane.

- I actually turned off the TV for two whole weeks!! It was awesome to know that I could and I spent a lot of time reading and doing some self examination. Well worth it.

-Taking up new hobbies. More about this later, but I am very pleased with myself for picking up new and old interests.

So basically, I have been busy enjoying life before the baby comes. I do apologize for the lack of posts, but an odd thing happens when you are in the adoption process. Having people know every minute detail of your life means you begin to protect what privacy you have left in any way possible.  So, for a short while, I am going to take a blogging hiatus. I am sure I will not be gone long, just long enough to enjoy a little bit more time to myself before I return to sharing the thoughts in my head

 

tears, chills and butterflies

Every time I watch this I get a little teary, chills on my arms, and butterflies in my tummy. I wonder who our child will become! (No pressure kid, no pressure )

 

I love the possibilities of adoption!!

 

 

It’s not about blame

Facts that are more comfortable to overlook:

1. In the 1800’s, American Indian Religion was outlawed.  American Indian’s spiritual practices went underground as did much of the culture and traditions. 
    
2. The Indian Religion Freedom Act passed in 1978 (Um, that was 31 years ago. Not that long ago. This also means American Indians were the last ethnic people group to have their civil rights acknowledged)
    
3. In the 1970’s, 40% of American Indian women that went for a routine hospitalization (i.e. having tonsils removed) were non-consensually sterilized. 
    
4. Many American Indian children were forced to go to boarding schools.  Their hair was cut, their name was changed from their Indian name, they were forced to wear English clothes and were whipped for speaking their Native language. One person said, “We went in the door Indian and came out English.”
    
5. Canada, New Zealand, Australia’s governments have all made a formal apology to the aboriginal people of their country for what happened. America has not. 
    
6. In Oklahoma, every April, children participate in a ceremonial ‘land run’ to remember when the Sooners claimed family land. And while this is an important part of Oklahoma history, it is also the day people groups were once again displaced. 

 

People ask why were are adopting from Jeremy’s tribe. These are not the reasons. But hearing about these fact moves me.  It moves me teach my child to embrace their culture and treasure traditions so they do not become lost.  It also moves me to advocate for them should I ever need to. 

For many people, this information is difficult to hear. A sense of shame and guilt is quick to rise. Followed by defensiveness and statements like, “How long do we have to apologize for this? Isn’t in the past?”

It’s not about blame.

 Read # 2 and #6 again. It was not that long ago. It is still happening in subtle ways.

It is about awareness.

 

A book worth reading

Have you read this book? You need to read this book. It was written by a couple in Oklahoma. They adopted from Ethiopia and wrote their story. But it is not just a story about adoption. It’s a brutally honest story of a marriage in trouble, of infertility, and of dreams dying. BUT, it is also about how God can give you new dreams and new hopes. And how He can take the darkest things in our lives and turn them into something great – something that becomes bigger than yourself.

Trust me, you want to read this book.

Portions of the book felt like I was reading my own story. Many times as I was reading I thought to myself, “That is exactly what I said” or, “That is exactly how I felt/feel.”

In case you are interested in reading it, you can find it here.

In adoption news/updates, we are still waiting for ‘the call’. I am hopeful it will come soon, but it is hard to stay hopeful all of the time. I am trying to stay busy and decorate the baby’s room, research cribs and all things baby.

I once read a quote that said, “You will never search yourself more deeply than when you adopt.” It has turned out to be a very accurate statement. One of the things I have discovered about myself: I am not good at waiting. So hurry up baby!

 

Ohh, so THIS is nesting

Did I mention that we are approved?! Well we are! Now we just wait for a phone call to tell us to come and pick up Baby F.  The phone call might come next week, or it could be as long as a year away. I daydream about that phone call a lot.

In the mean time, I am feeling the need to plan, organize, re-organize and scrub every corner of the house. I am finding myself making lists and moving furniture – only to re-arranging it again. Can anyone say nesting?  :)    

Most days I think we will have a boy. How fun would that be! Dinosaurs, airplanes, trucks, sports and pirates…I love it!

But then, oh then, I see this:  

And these:  

and I fall in love with the idea of having a sweet baby girl.

We have also been doing a lot of thinking about what life will be like  when the baby gets here. Conversations often drift to, “When the baby is here…”.  

Adoption is so fun!

Our friend Shala is at #1 on the waiting list with her agency!! We are so exited for her! We met up early in our adoption process and it has been neat to watch another person get ready to be a mom through adoption.    

Next weekend, my friend Jess and I are going to create a baby registry! Yea!

 

Silence

“I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have been silent.” - Pubilius Syrus

I’ve been pretty quiet on the blog this year for a number of reasons – getting ready to add a person to our family, more demands at work, and purposefully taking some time to myself. 

The other day this blog hit me square between the eyes:

“”We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature — trees, flowers, grass — grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. We need silence to be able to touch souls.” - Mother Teresa

“Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence….” -1 Kings 19:11-13

Over the past few months I have been feeling like I need to find time to allow for silence. Reading the statements above just confirmed it for me. So I am working hard to carve out space in my day where I can get away and find silence.  Turning off the t.v. and shutting down the computer actually takes quite an effort.  As with everything in life, balance is the key. While we can not live in silence at all times, a small portion of the day spent in solitude and quietness is appealing.

 

What about you? Does silence work for you? What do you hear?

 

Sometimes you just have to nut it out

“When I speak of wisdom being hidden, I mean that wisdom is not found on the surface of life. Like all precious things it has to be dug for and searched out….. It is a little like allowing the young chick to make it’s own way out of the egg: muscles are developed necessary for life. “

-Philip Baker from A Wiseheart, The Forgotten Factor

Wisdom is available if we take the time to look for it.  Perhaps it is the act of searching that allows for wisdom to be seen.  But then again, a fool would never bother to look for in the first place, so their circle starts all over again.

 

Just something I have been thinking over lately.

 

I Choose Hope

Sometimes it is a struggle between seeing the best in people or the worst of people.  

Over the past year, I have heard the most awful of stories: murder (those that did and those that were nearly), rape, child abuse, domestic violence, rejection of parent to child, racism, segregation, hatred, greed, betrayal and the list could go on.  At my job, some days are heavy than others. And try as hard as I may, some days I take it home. Not because I want to, but because I would not be human to be moved so deeply by these stories. 

The flip side of all of this is that if you look closely, within these awful events lays another story: courage, forgiveness, hope, resilience, determination, and healing. Some days the good stories are so easy to see. Other days you have to hunt for them.

My therapist (because all therapists ethically should see their own therapist. And yes, I can recognize the overwhelming irony it this) told me, “You can not control what other people think, how they act or what decisions they make. The only person you can control is yourself. Your reactions, your behaviors, your feelings. ”  

How insightful is that?

So for today I am choosing to see the good and not be discouraged by the overwhelming bad. I am choosing to place my hope in the One who heals and comforts.  I am choosing to have hope not as a form of denial of the bad, but rather in spite of it.  

What about you? What kind of things are you choosing about yourself?

 

Note To Self:

Never try to crack a joke in a room full of therapists. They will not laugh. They will only analyze you. And then it will be weird.

 

Consolation

This year I am reading Bread For The Journey by Henri Nouwen. Just wanted to share what I read yesterday:

‘Consolation is a beautiful word. It means “to be” (con) “with the lonely one” (solus). To offer consolation is one of the most important ways to care. Life is so full of pain, sadness and loneliness that we often wonder what we can do to alleviate the immense suffering we see. We can and must offer consolation. … (cont) To console does not mean to take away the pain but rather to be there and say, “You are not alone, I am here with you. Together we can carry the burden.” That is consolation. We all need to give it as well as to receive it. ‘

There are days at work when I hear awful stories -the worst of the worst of humanity. At times, I can become overwhelmed by other people’s stories and feel the need to ‘fix’ it in attempts to gain some sense of control in what feels like a hopeless situations. I then find myself frustrated with my lack of ability to ‘fix’ things that are not mine to fix. How refreshing to remember that I first need to offer consolation, and later, the rest will work itself out. 

I love it when what you are reading matches your situation and offers hope, a renewed energy, and changes your perspective for the day ahead.