Miss M’s arrival

Oh, this is a good story 🙂

Since we started the adoption process, I have blog stalked a few several adoptive families. I LOVED reading their stories of getting THE CALL. You know, the one where your adoption worker calls you and just like that : TADAA! You are parents! Usually, I would end up all teary from reading them and very much looking forward to telling our own story one day. Then my husband would walk in the room and see me all teary in front of my computer screen, sigh, then sit down carefully and pray I wasn’t crying because of something he did, but because of “one of those sappy adoption stories.”

While I read all of these random people’s blogs, I noticed most stories had a few things in common.
1) Even though they carried their phones everywhere (including to the bathroom) the call always came when they least expected it.
2) They could never reach their significant other to let them know THE CALL had come.

I knew that our story would not be like the others because
1) I carried my phone with me everywhere and knew I would be ready when THE CALL came.
2) My husband always has his phone with him. Faithfully. Religiously. Without fail.

Back in the first few months of this year, I really started having some doubts about adoption. I started to panic about the unknowns. What if the birth mom had used drugs? What if bad genetics were an issue? What if we couldn’t bond and attach? The list went on. I can be an excellent worrier if I do not monitor myself. I was not monitoring myself. I was silently panicking and full of anxiety and doubt regarding our adoption. Despite all of my anxiety, I still knew adoption was right for us. I still wanted to grow our family this way.

This paragraph will bore some, just hang in there with me. I’ll give the cliff notes version here: In the early part of May, I attended a wonderful training on childhood trauma for my job. The presenter showed incredible results from research that rat pups with bad genetics and uncaring mothers could rebound with a great deal of success when placed with a caring caregiver early enough in life. In fact, positive caregiving could actually change their genetic structure to support a successful life! I don’t often hear God talk to me, and I didn’t really ‘hear’ Him this time either. But I got the message loud and clear and knew that I knew that I knew that He was telling me “It will all be okay. This is what I have planned for you. It is a good thing. It is all going to work out.”

God gave me peace from listening to research about rat pups. Mysterious ways and all that.

Well, 5 days later, we got THE CALL. It was a baby boy. 5 days old. Born on the day I was learning about rat pups. The worker told us the family’s history and why baby boy could not be with his mom anymore. She told us the tribe would be going to pick up the baby that afternoon and would bring him straight to our house. I left work early to rush home and get things ready. We waited all afternoon with no word from our worker. I finally called her and she let me know the baby’s mom had gotten word the tribe would be removing the baby and she took off. They couldn’t find her. No baby would be arriving in our home that day. Our worker told us to get ready and she would call as soon as they found them or the next baby became available for adoption.

We waited. And prayed for our baby boy. For 2 months.

I had told all my clients that we were expecting a call any day. I had been taking my phone into all of my sessions and meetings. I took it everywhere with me. On the very last day of June, I was busy at work with the usual chaos that goes on there day to day. At the very end of the day, my phone started buzzing on my desk, so I absent-mindedly picked it up to turn the ringer off so I could keep talking to the person in front of me. I glanced down to turn off the ring and recognized the area code as the tribe calling. Guess what? I TOTALLY WASN’T EXPECTING THE CALL THAT DAY. Our worker told us they had a baby girl for us. I was so shocked! We never in a million years expected a girl. She said, “I think my supervisor called you about this baby before.” I told her we had only ever heard of a baby boy, to which she replied, “Oh, it is the same baby. We had the initial information wrong.” The baby we had prayed for over the past 2 months was here! She informed me the tribe needed to place the baby immediately and would be leaving the office with the baby in 30 minutes. I hung up and called the husband. GUESS WHO DIDN’T ANSWER THIER PHONE?!?? I went back into the office and told my supervisor, burst into tears, gathered my things and left the office.

I tried calling my husband again. Voicemail. Called again. Voicemail. Called again. Voicemail. This went on for a period of 20 minutes while I am speeding driving down I-40 to get home. He finally picked up and I blurted out, “The tribe called, it’s a girl! They need to place her right away, so I said yes. Is that okay with you?” His reply: “Wait, what? Huh?” He was shocked! Once I got home, I rushed through the dishes, vacuumed the floor and did anything I could to expel nervous energy while we waited. We called our families to let them know. They were thrilled. My parents let me know they would be parked around the corner and waiting for the worker to leave so they could come and meet the baby.

The worker finally arrived. She took a car seat out of her car. I peaked around to see and saw a dark baby girl with big dark shining eyes and a head full of hair. She was 57 days old. The worker unloaded several bags and told us the baby had nothing, so she went to Walmart and the tribe bought her clothes, formula, diapers….. there were SIX duffle bags fill of things for the baby. After a few minutes, she handed over the baby and I held her in my arms. She looked up at me and reached up to touch my cheek. I. FELL. IN. LOVE.

Once the worker had left, I had Miss M over my shoulder. Her Daddy leaned in to give her a kiss on the cheek. She turned towards him and gave him a baby kiss back. And just like that, Miss M had her dad wrapped around her ittybitty finger. The grandparents came over and cooed all over her and couldn’t love her enough.

When we started this adoption process, we tossed around a few names for the baby. We though Elizabeth Tafv (pronounced Tavah) was a pretty name for a girl. When Miss M arrived, her name fit her so perfectly; we knew we had to keep it. We didn’t think to ask about her middle name when she arrived. A few days later, I was looking at some medical records for her and noticed her middle name: Elizabeth.

Back to present day:

Miss M is doing great! I took time off work so we could bond and connect. We have done so marvelously. I go back to work tomorrow. Miss M started daycare today and loved her teachers. I know she gets bored of me by the end of the day, so I think she will love being with other babies all day. She loves her daddy and can’t wait for him to get home. When he walks in the door, she wants him to hold her for the rest of the evening. While I am sad maternity leave is coming to an end, I am looking forward to getting back to work.

It will be several months before the adoption is finalized. Until then, we can’t post any pictures. We will as soon as we can, but I promise – she is beautiful!!

Remember this post? I can confidently say, God really did knit our hearts together. I know I was meant to be her momma, and she was meant to be part of our family. When I think about the entire adoption journey we have been on, the thing that makes me most excited is to see how God has worked behind the scenes to bring us together.

Knit one, perl two, baby.

“And God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what Hannah had asked.” −1 Samuel 1:19

On becoming a Mother

Getting ready to become a parent through adoption has been an interesting experience.

Many of you may know, we chose to leave the adoption open to a boy or a girl, as long as the child is under 12 months. We have also purposfully not picked out a name for our child, because we want to see what they are named when they come to our home. We may keep their given name, or we may opt to give them a name we choose. We will cross that bridge when we get there.

We daydream about life will be like when the baby arrives. I often find myself thinking, when the baby is here…..I wonder what their laugh will sound like, what their face looks like when they are learning, what their cries and cues sound like. Then I also find myself  thinking….I will have to wake up earlier in the mornings, get used to very little sleep, have someone dependent on me for all of their needs. Then I think, Geez, I am signing up for this voluntarily?! What is wrong with me?!

And then there is the waiting. Oh my gosh, the waiting. I hear many people say the waiting is the most difficult part. For us, waiting has been the best part. We have LOVED our time together. We cherish the quiet evenings and lazy weekends. However, waiting means living in the in-between. We are almost parents, but still a family of two. On the rare occasion, I get really annoyed with waiting. We have a room for them with a crib and toys and books. I am ready to meet them and play together. Why can’t they just hurry up and get here already? On those days, I find myself thinking, “Perhaps it would just be easier to get pregnant. Then we would know when the baby would be here. We could find out if it would be a boy or a girl, we could pick a name, we could have more control of the situation.”

Then I remember that we choose adoption for a reason. We were called to it. Yes, we did not get pregnant on our own, but we choose not to pursue any testing and opted for adoption as our first choice. The process of adoption can be beautiful when it is done correctly. We pray for our unknown child everyday. I have had dreams about our child that feel as real as any memory and are as vivid as any movie.  I can wonder for hours about what life we be like when they join us.

I often find myself operating in two worlds. One of science and one of faith. Many times, the two do not appear to blend. I have learned that with careful evaluation, the two worlds often completment and support each other. It is through science that my faith is strengthened.

The world of science might say the faith in a Higher Being is used as a crutch. A form of denial of the cold, hard facts. The world of science will, at times, say the desire to become a parent, while completly natural, can run the risk of setting one up to fail. That adoption can often hide unaddressed deeper issues that are covered by becoming a parent. That parental responsibility can (at times) be used to work out larger unconscous issues in an attempt to re-do the past. I have seen this first hand – more than once. It can certinaly happen.

I also operate in a world of faith. A world where I know that our experience of peace while waiting is due to the fact that we a doing exactly what were called to do. And while I have a multitude (MULTITUDE) of questions about how this will all work out – how we will ever bond and attach appropriately, how we will address our child’s feelings of loss of their birthmother etc.  I know that ultimately, God is taking care of it. He will create the correct neurological chemicals to help attachment and bonding. He is giving us peace while we wait so that we are able to be free from (a majority) of expectations so that we are free to enjoy the process – whatever it may look like.

I am not so naive to think this will end is a story book ending, but no matter how messy the end picture,I know we will have walked the path that was meant for us.

It is an odd feeling, to know I am already someones momma. I know while we wait, God is knitting our hearts together – mine and my child’s.

Knit one, perl two, baby.

“And God began making the necessary arrangements in response to what Hannah had asked.” −1 Samuel 1:19

Back and ready to go

I’m back. My hiatus was much longer than just the summer as predicted 🙂

I have three blogs rolling around in my brain. I will have at least one of them up by the end of the day.

Currently, I am watching the Oklahoma news channels as they are over-broadcasting the weather. I am sure the weather will get bad later in the day with ice, but currently, it is only raining.

And yet, we have 24 hour coverage.

Of the rain.

Okay, sarcasm aside, once I get sent home early from work today due to the ice, I will be blogging my little heart out.

Update

I took my cue from my friend Jess and figured it was time for an update. What have I been up to lately you ask?

In one word: Twilight

Actually, that was only one week. Yes, all four books and the movie in one week. I know, I have an illness.

The other 4 or weeks or so? I don’t really have an excuse for not blogging, but here is what I have been up to:

-Finishing the nursery for the baby’s room. It looks great!

– We celebrated our 6 year wedding anniversary. We went to the Planetarium and science museum. We had so much fun! The Planetarium was so neat! I was awestruck for days at how small Earth is in comparison to the entire universe. I came home and put this on my computer desktop:

It was reassuring to look at over the past few weeks while things at work were (still sort of are) insane. We had our Federal Review last week (my department passed with flying colors!) and we open a new building next week. Like I said, it was insane.

– I actually turned off the TV for two whole weeks!! It was awesome to know that I could and I spent a lot of time reading and doing some self examination. Well worth it.

-Taking up new hobbies. More about this later, but I am very pleased with myself for picking up new and old interests.

So basically, I have been busy enjoying life before the baby comes. I do apologize for the lack of posts, but an odd thing happens when you are in the adoption process. Having people know every minute detail of your life means you begin to protect what privacy you have left in any way possible.  So, for a short while, I am going to take a blogging hiatus. I am sure I will not be gone long, just long enough to enjoy a little bit more time to myself before I return to sharing the thoughts in my head 🙂

L.O.V.E

I love the possibilities of adoption!!

It’s not about blame

Facts that are more comfortable to overlook:

1. In the 1800’s, American Indian Religion was outlawed.  American Indian’s spiritual practices went underground as did much of the culture and traditions. 
    
2. The Indian Religion Freedom Act passed in 1978 (Um, that was 31 years ago. Not that long ago. This also means American Indians were the last ethnic people group to have their civil rights acknowledged)
    
3. In the 1970’s, 40% of American Indian women that went for a routine hospitalization (i.e. having tonsils removed) were non-consensually sterilized. 
    
4. Many American Indian children were forced to go to boarding schools.  Their hair was cut, their name was changed from their Indian name, they were forced to wear English clothes and were whipped for speaking their Native language. One person said, “We went in the door Indian and came out English.”
    
5. Canada, New Zealand, Australia’s governments have all made a formal apology to the aboriginal people of their country for what happened. America has not. 
    
6. In Oklahoma, every April, children participate in a ceremonial ‘land run’ to remember when the Sooners claimed family land. And while this is an important part of Oklahoma history, it is also the day people groups were once again displaced. 

 

People ask why were are adopting from Jeremy’s tribe. These are not the reasons. But hearing about these fact moves me.  It moves me teach my child to embrace their culture and treasure traditions so they do not become lost.  It also moves me to advocate for them should I ever need to. 

For many people, this information is difficult to hear. A sense of shame and guilt is quick to rise. Followed by defensiveness and statements like, “How long do we have to apologize for this? Isn’t in the past?”

It’s not about blame.

 Read # 2 and #6 again. It was not that long ago. It is still happening in subtle ways.

It is about awareness.

A book worth reading

Have you read this book? You need to read this book. It was written by a couple in Oklahoma. They adopted from Ethiopia and wrote their story. But it is not just a story about adoption. It’s a brutally honest story of a marriage in trouble, of infertility, and of dreams dying. BUT, it is also about how God can give you new dreams and new hopes. And how He can take the darkest things in our lives and turn them into something great – something that becomes bigger than yourself.

Trust me, you want to read this book.

Portions of the book felt like I was reading my own story. Many times as I was reading I thought to myself, “That is exactly what I said” or, “That is exactly how I felt/feel.”

In case you are interested in reading it, you can find it here.

In adoption news/updates, we are still waiting for ‘the call’. I am hopeful it will come soon, but it is hard to stay hopeful all of the time. I am trying to stay busy and decorate the baby’s room, research cribs and all things baby.

I once read a quote that said, “You will never search yourself more deeply than when you adopt.” It has turned out to be a very accurate statement. One of the things I have discovered about myself: I am not good at waiting. So hurry up baby!

Ohh, so THIS is nesting

Did I mention that we are approved?! Well we are! Now we just wait for a phone call to tell us to come and pick up Baby F.  The phone call might come next week, or it could be as long as a year away. I daydream about that phone call a lot.

In the mean time, I am feeling the need to plan, organize, re-organize and scrub every corner of the house. I am finding myself making lists and moving furniture – only to re-arranging it again. Can anyone say nesting?  🙂    

Most days I think we will have a boy. How fun would that be! Dinosaurs, airplanes, trucks, sports and pirates…I love it!

But then, oh then, I see this:  

And these:  

and I fall in love with the idea of having a sweet baby girl.

We have also been doing a lot of thinking about what life will be like  when the baby gets here. Conversations often drift to, “When the baby is here…”.  

Adoption is so fun!

Our friend Shala is at #1 on the waiting list with her agency!! We are so exited for her! We met up early in our adoption process and it has been neat to watch another person get ready to be a mom through adoption.    

Next weekend, my friend Jess and I are going to create a baby registry! Yea!

Silence

“I often regret that I have spoken; never that I have been silent.” – Pubilius Syrus

I’ve been pretty quiet on the blog this year for a number of reasons – getting ready to add a person to our family, more demands at work, and purposefully taking some time to myself. 

The other day this blog hit me square between the eyes:

“”We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature — trees, flowers, grass — grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence. We need silence to be able to touch souls.” – Mother Teresa

“Now there was a great wind, so strong that it was splitting mountains and breaking rocks in pieces before the LORD, but the LORD was not in the wind; and after the wind an earthquake, but the LORD was not in the earthquake; and after the earthquake a fire, but the LORD was not in the fire; and after the fire a sound of sheer silence….” -1 Kings 19:11-13

Over the past few months I have been feeling like I need to find time to allow for silence. Reading the statements above just confirmed it for me. So I am working hard to carve out space in my day where I can get away and find silence.  Turning off the t.v. and shutting down the computer actually takes quite an effort.  As with everything in life, balance is the key. While we can not live in silence at all times, a small portion of the day spent in solitude and quietness is appealing.

 

What about you? Does silence work for you? What do you hear?

Sometimes you just have to nut it out

“When I speak of wisdom being hidden, I mean that wisdom is not found on the surface of life. Like all precious things it has to be dug for and searched out….. It is a little like allowing the young chick to make it’s own way out of the egg: muscles are developed necessary for life. ”

-Philip Baker from A Wiseheart, The Forgotten Factor

Wisdom is available if we take the time to look for it.  Perhaps it is the act of searching that allows for wisdom to be seen.  But then again, a fool would never bother to look for in the first place, so their circle starts all over again.

 

Just something I have been thinking over lately.